Sunday Shopping

For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the LORD;
whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.”      Exodus 35:2

This must be why grocery shopping is the WORST on Sundays.  It says so in the Bible.  It’s the only logical explanation as to why ALL people, ALL customers go absolutely, primal insane at the grocery store on Sundays.

It doesn’t matter if you are stopping in after yoga class, after church, or just needing to grab a couple things before joining friends for a small dinner party.  Peoples’ brains get checked at the door, and the poor employees have the joy of corralling you around like sheep.  I realize I am generalizing, but for good reason.  I work plenty o’ Sundays.

But there’s hope!  I have provided you a survival checklist to make your Sunday shopping a simple success.

1. Make a list

This is not the day to peruse the aisles, reading the nutrition facts on all packaging.  Know what you need, and get out.

2. Maintain self control

We want you to sample.  We want you to enjoy your sample.  But there is no need to go to town like you haven’t eaten in weeks.  Use the provided tongs or toothpick, and take one – maybe two.
Watching people indulge in the popcorn sample actually makes me gag.  I see customers reach in with bare hands, grabbing fistfuls of popcorn, and attempt to shove it all in their mouths, where it falls down and out the sides.

3. Follow basic eating etiquette

You hit the sample jack-pot: a delectable brie on artisan cranberry flax Melba toast.  It’s in your mouth; you can hardly believe how good it tastes.  But then you see me and realize you need help in finding the shampoo.  No need to rush and ask me for help; take this moment to pause and swallow that remaining bit of sample.

How many times have I bit hit in the face with spewed chunks?  Too many.

4. No Kids

They’re the spawn of Satan on Sundays.

…and because you checked your brain at the door, you subsequently become the worst parent on Sundays.


5. Expect the Worst

Don’t be dumbfounded all the registers are full with long lines, and in those lines are carts filled to the brim with over $100 worth of items.

Don’t be flabbergasted you can’t reach the tuna because there are three other people in front of you also picking out tuna.

Look at your excessive cart maneuvering to avoid collisions as training for American Grocery Ninja.

Expect the entire city of Chicago to be at this one grocery store just to inconvenience you.

There you have it.  Five easy steps to help you survive your Sunday shopping.  I know you can do it.


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